Practice makes permanent...
Neurons that fire together, wire together...
As we learn more about how our brains work, we are learning more and more about how to heal our brains and choose new behaviors.
Sometimes it's difficult to change a habit. Sometimes it feels impossible to change a thought pattern or feel a new feeling in an old situation.
Similar to ruts on the freeway that grab your vehicle and pull them into the well worn path, our brains are the same. The behaviors, thoughts and feelings we've practiced many times before are easy to repeat because the brain memory for them is strong.
Don't give up. It takes time and requires hard work. Here are some tips:
Kindly notice: If you want to change something, first begin by noticing how often you do the thing. And in what contexts. It might be a thought, it might be a behavior. Just take note. Kindly. Neutrally. Without valuing it good or bad. Notice and be curious. With kindness, you might notice details of a thought or behavior you had previously missed that might be useful. The compassion you offer yourself in the process of change will likely make mistakes easier to recover from and make future bigger changes more possible as well.
Take a small consistent step: Next, see if you can make a small move. Or a big move. But at least a small consistent step will get you closer to your goal. If your goal is to stop yelling at your children or partner when they irritate you, you might not be able to stop yourself from yelling yet, but you might be able to consistently take a few breaths after you have already yelled. That might allow you to reengage more calmly in the middle of the argument, even though you did still yell. And...slowly but surely you can catch yourself and breath sooner and sooner. Hopefully, eventually, before you have ever raised your voice.
Celebrate your effort: Even if the change is small, celebrate yourself. Everyone needs to be cheered on in life. Life is HARD! EVERY life! Think of yourself like a little kid if that is helpful. Most kids love to be praised, adored, noticed, celebrated. It may sound ridiculous, but even writing yourself a greeting card, taking yourself out to dinner or finding other small ways to let yourself know you're proud of yourself can be solidifying and energizing toward your goals. And many of us didn't receive praise like that when we actually were children. Don't minimize the value of praising and encouraging yourself.
Grieve the loss: The changes your are making mean that an old behavior is dead and gone. For some, this is challenging. Maybe they are leaving behind a comfort zone they are quite familiar with. Maybe they need to grieve that they were that version of themselves for so long. Doing new moves can feel strange and scary. Old patterns are predictable. Even if they are negative, at least you knew what to expect. Letting go of them and being in temporarily unfamiliar territory can be enough to cause someone to stop their growth and change. Grieving the loss, saying goodbye to the old habit, even thanking it for how it has previously served you might be needed. Say goodbye to the old, welcome the new, and make the change!
For those familiar with What About Bob, good luck with your baby steps! Just do the next right thing. And the next, and the next. Forge the new trail and create a well worn path that you have personally chosen for yourself as a healthier you in this new season of life.
Photo by Jens Lelie on Unsplash
