We know what is about to happen based on previous experiences we have had. And I am truly grateful for my ability to predict the future as it allows me to avoid certain arguements before they begin. However, our powers of deduction can hang us up as well.
The other day my husband asked me if I wanted to take the whole family to the grocery store. "No," I said to him, "I don't enjoy that. You rush me, the boys fight, I can't think straight. I do NOT want all of us to go to the store together." Can you tell that this has happened a time or two with our family grocery outings?
The other day my husband asked me if I wanted to take the whole family to the grocery store. "No," I said to him, "I don't enjoy that. You rush me, the boys fight, I can't think straight. I do NOT want all of us to go to the store together." Can you tell that this has happened a time or two with our family grocery outings?
After those words escaped my mouth I realized a few different things. One, I hadn't yet talked to him about what it's like for me when we take the whole family to the store. To be honest, I hadn't realized it bothered me until that very moment. Our minds are funny like that. Sometimes you have to blurt things out, speak them audibly, before you really understand how you feel about something. I had just realized that family trips to the grocery are a stress-filled experience for me, and I didn't want anymore of them! No sir!
A second thing that isn't so helpful here is that I am assuming that forever in the future grocery trips with the family will be awful. They will always be hectic, my husband will always be impatient with me, the boys will always be bickering. This type of thinking, my knee-jerk reaction, while useful to some degree, hopefully isn't where my thinking stops. This gut reaction is likely from either my limbic brain or the left hemisphere of my neo-cortex. I've decided I've been through enough of that type of negative experience, I know every grocery trip will be like that in the future, and I'm done with it! That is that! Black and white, survival mentality.
Take a minute to find hope. Possibility. I can still salvage this conversation with my husband, not to mention open up the possibility for a better shopping experience in the future. Here is where I have a chance to add the compliment of my right hemisphere and move out of my brain stem. Possibly even more spiritually-minded thinking, if that's your thing. I can realize and say something like, "Wow, I guess that was a trigger for me. Sheesh. I had such a sharp reaction when I considered going to the store as a family. I have been so frustrated by our past family grocery trips and I didn't know it bothered me that much until you asked me about it right now." I own my reaction. I own jumping to conclusions. I own being a bit short with him.
When I own my poor reaction, do you know what happens? He puts down his fists. Maybe he didn't have them up in the first place, but if he was getting defensive, it can be wonderfully disarming when I take responsibility for my attacking words. After he hears my words, and because he is a thoughtful guy, he says, "I didn't realize you felt that way. Thank you for telling me. I don't want our experiences at the grocery store as a family to be to terrible for you. What can we do differently?" Score one for hubby! Great response!
Whoa! Wait! It doesn't always have to be this way? The beautiful thing about this moment of possibility is that it gives me room to let the past go, find my voice, and gives room also for those closest to me to be different. I haven't stopped seeing their best potential selves, and I'm opening myself up to what they are capable of in their best moments.
This doesn't mean I'm going to lose it if the grocery trip is the same as it always has been in the past. I'm taking steps to make the experience different, through my voice and action. But I'm also creating a space inside of myself to hold possibility. And a space inside of myself that will be alright if they don't change. That part is vital as well. I'm only in charge of myself, but I can help make a difference in our grocery trips. If I'm willing to realize my assumptions, speak up, take kind action, and stay centered inside of myself.
**Since writing this post I have continued practicing this idea. Staying open to new possibility. It's been a beautiful process. Hard sometimes for sure. And I've definitely been disappointed at times with myself and the behaviors of those I was hoping for a new experience with. But I'm thankful for it and it's been worth it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to lose it if the grocery trip is the same as it always has been in the past. I'm taking steps to make the experience different, through my voice and action. But I'm also creating a space inside of myself to hold possibility. And a space inside of myself that will be alright if they don't change. That part is vital as well. I'm only in charge of myself, but I can help make a difference in our grocery trips. If I'm willing to realize my assumptions, speak up, take kind action, and stay centered inside of myself.
**Since writing this post I have continued practicing this idea. Staying open to new possibility. It's been a beautiful process. Hard sometimes for sure. And I've definitely been disappointed at times with myself and the behaviors of those I was hoping for a new experience with. But I'm thankful for it and it's been worth it.
