Well Worn Pathways

 Well Worn Pathways

Practice makes permanent...

Neurons that fire together, wire together...

As we learn more about how our brains work, we are learning more and more about how to heal our brains and choose new behaviors.

Sometimes it's difficult to change a habit. Sometimes it feels impossible to change a thought pattern or feel a new feeling in an old situation. 

Similar to ruts on the freeway that grab your vehicle and pull them into the well worn path, our brains are the same. The behaviors, thoughts and feelings we've practiced many times before are easy to repeat because the brain memory for them is strong.

Don't give up. It takes time and requires hard work. Here are some tips:

Kindly notice: If you want to change something, first begin by noticing how often you do the thing. And in what contexts. It might be a thought, it might be a behavior. Just take note. Kindly. Neutrally. Without valuing it good or bad. Notice and be curious. With kindness, you might notice details of a thought or behavior you had previously missed that might be useful. The compassion you offer yourself in the process of change will likely make mistakes easier to recover from and make future bigger changes more possible as well.

Take a small consistent step: Next, see if you can make a small move. Or a big move. But at least a small consistent step will get you closer to your goal. If your goal is to stop yelling at your children or partner when they irritate you, you might not be able to stop yourself from yelling yet, but you might be able to consistently take a few breaths after you have already yelled. That might allow you to reengage more calmly in the middle of the argument, even though you did still yell. And...slowly but surely you can catch yourself and breath sooner and sooner. Hopefully, eventually, before you have ever raised your voice.

Celebrate your effort: Even if the change is small, celebrate yourself. Everyone needs to be cheered on in life. Life is HARD! EVERY life! Think of yourself like a little kid if that is helpful. Most kids love to be praised, adored, noticed, celebrated. It may sound ridiculous, but even writing yourself a greeting card, taking yourself out to dinner or finding other small ways to let yourself know you're proud of yourself can be solidifying and energizing toward your goals. And many of us didn't receive praise like that when we actually were children. Don't minimize the value of praising and encouraging yourself.

Grieve the loss: The changes your are making mean that an old behavior is dead and gone. For some, this is challenging. Maybe they are leaving behind a comfort zone they are quite familiar with. Maybe they need to grieve that they were that version of themselves for so long. Doing new moves can feel strange and scary. Old patterns are predictable. Even if they are negative, at least you knew what to expect. Letting go of them and being in temporarily unfamiliar territory can be enough to cause someone to stop their growth and change. Grieving the loss, saying goodbye to the old habit, even thanking it for how it has previously served you might be needed. Say goodbye to the old, welcome the new, and make the change!

For those familiar with What About Bob, good luck with your baby steps! Just do the next right thing. And the next, and the next. Forge the new trail and create a well worn path that you have personally chosen for yourself as a healthier you in this new season of life.

Photo by Jens Lelie on Unsplash

A Dance with Grief

Denial...Anger...Bargaining...Depression...Acceptance.

Oh, is that it? I will simply travel this road called 'The Stages of Grief' and find myself whole on the other side, at peace with the loss I have experienced. My personal experience with grief has never been so cut and dried. It looks a bit more like: denial, anger, depression, tears, more tears, tears over seemingly unrelated events, again with the anger, a bit of isolation, and then maybe some numbness to finish off the process. Maybe you can relate to this, maybe yours looks much different. One thing I have seen very vividly in the last month is how differently each person processes an experience of loss.

In my church family, in my marriage, and my extended family as well right now, there is grief that abounds. We are in the middle of the holiday season as I compose this entry, a time to be full of cheer, thanksgiving, awe and wonder. I am full enough to offer those things as well, but there is a deep part of me that is lost in sadness and grief at this time as well.

I read the post I published just prior to this one, it speaks of being surrounded by beauty, and thought to myself, "Wow, a lot can change in the time it takes leaves to fall in the Willamette Valley." In actuality however, not that much is different. But as with any grief process, emotions ebb and flow. This month the depression is more prevalent than the acceptance. Our pastor is leaving, and my father-in-law is fighting a battle with renal cell cancer. My dad is hopeful, as am I, but I have been shaken to my core nonetheless. While our pastor's leaving is safely in the palm of God's hand, and I am eager to see what He has in store for our church in this next chapter, I am also grieving much in this time.

How do you do grief 'well'? What does that mean or tangibly look like? I can't say that I fully know. Unfortunately, I know more about what it looks like to do it poorly. I have accomplished that for years. Among the highlights are the time I hid in the basement, snuck out quietly, and yet another time I busied myself to the point of exhaustion. It doesn't come naturally for me to move in and out of each phase of grieving. Even more difficult is for me to honor the emotions that come up again when I thought I had finished feeling that way about the loss. Anger? Again? I try to convince myself there is no need to be angry, but that seems only to make it worse. The same is true for my tears. I feel as if I am floating on a river without paddle or oar to guide my small vessel. What I hope for myself is that, with compassion as my companion, I would let the current of this grief process take over, without fear of the path that lies ahead. My fighting it is only hindering the process. I have a sense that healing will come as I embrace the natural, if unpredictable, path of grief. Let my boat drift this meandering river, finding healing in each whirlpool of denial, snag of anger, and flow of tears, in which I currently find myself.

Allowing Space for Worship and Grief

"Despair has become so rare, not because the human race is doing suddenly better, but because we so sufficiently push it away. We must allow sorrow to do our own personal sowing; I see no other way to care for our hearts. Two spiritual disciplines we have neglected: worship and grief."

- Kierkegaard