Support for Students in Salem-Keizer

Salem-Keizer has shared resources for students in need this morning, after the death of a student in the district. Know that help is available, for your grief around death and loss, as well as your own struggles that you hold daily which may be unrelated to this most recent death in our community.

Care Solace

Mental Wellness - Salem-Keizer School District

Well Worn Pathways

 Well Worn Pathways

Practice makes permanent...

Neurons that fire together, wire together...

As we learn more about how our brains work, we are learning more and more about how to heal our brains and choose new behaviors.

Sometimes it's difficult to change a habit. Sometimes it feels impossible to change a thought pattern or feel a new feeling in an old situation. 

Similar to ruts on the freeway that grab your vehicle and pull them into the well worn path, our brains are the same. The behaviors, thoughts and feelings we've practiced many times before are easy to repeat because the brain memory for them is strong.

Don't give up. It takes time and requires hard work. Here are some tips:

Kindly notice: If you want to change something, first begin by noticing how often you do the thing. And in what contexts. It might be a thought, it might be a behavior. Just take note. Kindly. Neutrally. Without valuing it good or bad. Notice and be curious. With kindness, you might notice details of a thought or behavior you had previously missed that might be useful. The compassion you offer yourself in the process of change will likely make mistakes easier to recover from and make future bigger changes more possible as well.

Take a small consistent step: Next, see if you can make a small move. Or a big move. But at least a small consistent step will get you closer to your goal. If your goal is to stop yelling at your children or partner when they irritate you, you might not be able to stop yourself from yelling yet, but you might be able to consistently take a few breaths after you have already yelled. That might allow you to reengage more calmly in the middle of the argument, even though you did still yell. And...slowly but surely you can catch yourself and breath sooner and sooner. Hopefully, eventually, before you have ever raised your voice.

Celebrate your effort: Even if the change is small, celebrate yourself. Everyone needs to be cheered on in life. Life is HARD! EVERY life! Think of yourself like a little kid if that is helpful. Most kids love to be praised, adored, noticed, celebrated. It may sound ridiculous, but even writing yourself a greeting card, taking yourself out to dinner or finding other small ways to let yourself know you're proud of yourself can be solidifying and energizing toward your goals. And many of us didn't receive praise like that when we actually were children. Don't minimize the value of praising and encouraging yourself.

Grieve the loss: The changes your are making mean that an old behavior is dead and gone. For some, this is challenging. Maybe they are leaving behind a comfort zone they are quite familiar with. Maybe they need to grieve that they were that version of themselves for so long. Doing new moves can feel strange and scary. Old patterns are predictable. Even if they are negative, at least you knew what to expect. Letting go of them and being in temporarily unfamiliar territory can be enough to cause someone to stop their growth and change. Grieving the loss, saying goodbye to the old habit, even thanking it for how it has previously served you might be needed. Say goodbye to the old, welcome the new, and make the change!

For those familiar with What About Bob, good luck with your baby steps! Just do the next right thing. And the next, and the next. Forge the new trail and create a well worn path that you have personally chosen for yourself as a healthier you in this new season of life.

Photo by Jens Lelie on Unsplash

Immediate Counselor Support for Students!

Students, reach out if you need support! Here’s how:

To speak to a school counselor now, click here. 

Salem Keizer Public Schools extends their “warmline” through 2020 summer break.

When reading through an email sent out by our Salem Keizer Public School District (SKPS), I was pleased to learn that there is a way for students to access their school counselors 24/7. When schools closed in mid-march due to the coronavirus pandemic (COVID-19), SKPS implemented a new “warmline” for students to access direct support from school counselors any time needed, including nights and weekends. Thank you for wanting to find a way to support and keep safe our amazing kids! 

Through a simple online google form, students can submit a few questions and provide what concerns they need support with. The form is monitored daily by the district’s school counselors and when a submission is created a counselor will personally reach out to students in need.

The form can be accessed directly from the main menu bar on the homepage of the district website (salemkeizer.org), or by clicking the speak to a counselor button on the homepage of any school website in the district.

Thank you, counselors, administrators, educators and more, for working to find news ways to support our students during this unique time. 

Speak to a counselor

Retreat for Women in Medicine!

If you know any women in medicine, please share with them information about this retreat!

Click image for enlarged view.

Click image for enlarged view.

Maybe it will be different this time

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Here we go again..." or "Oh great, I know how this is going to turn out"? I know I have. Another way of saying the same thing might be presented in the saying: The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

We know what is about to happen based on previous experiences we have had. And I am truly grateful for my ability to predict the future as it allows me to avoid certain arguements before they begin. However, our powers of deduction can hang us up as well. 

The other day my husband asked me if I wanted to take the whole family to the grocery store. "No," I said to him, "I don't enjoy that. You rush me, the boys fight, I can't think straight. I do NOT want all of us to go to the store together." Can you tell that this has happened a time or two with our family grocery outings?

After those words escaped my mouth I realized a few different things. One, I hadn't yet talked to him about what it's like for me when we take the whole family to the store. To be honest, I hadn't realized it bothered me until that very moment. Our minds are funny like that. Sometimes you have to blurt things out, speak them audibly, before you really understand how you feel about something. I had just realized that family trips to the grocery are a stress-filled experience for me, and I didn't want anymore of them! No sir!

A second thing that isn't so helpful here is that I am assuming that forever in the future grocery trips with the family will be awful. They will always be hectic, my husband will always be impatient with me, the boys will always be bickering. This type of thinking, my knee-jerk reaction, while useful to some degree, hopefully isn't where my thinking stops. This gut reaction is likely from either my limbic brain or the left hemisphere of my neo-cortex. I've decided I've been through enough of that type of negative experience, I know every grocery trip will be like that in the future, and I'm done with it! That is that! Black and white, survival mentality.

Take a minute to find hope. Possibility. I can still salvage this conversation with my husband, not to mention open up the possibility for a better shopping experience in the future. Here is where I have a chance to add the compliment of my right hemisphere and move out of my brain stem. Possibly even more spiritually-minded thinking, if that's your thing. I can realize and say something like, "Wow, I guess that was a trigger for me. Sheesh. I had such a sharp reaction when I considered going to the store as a family. I have been so frustrated by our past family grocery trips and I didn't know it bothered me that much until you asked me about it right now." I own my reaction. I own jumping to conclusions. I own being a bit short with him.

When I own my poor reaction, do you know what happens? He puts down his fists. Maybe he didn't have them up in the first place, but if he was getting defensive, it can be wonderfully disarming when I take responsibility for my attacking words. After he hears my words, and because he is a thoughtful guy, he says, "I didn't realize you felt that way. Thank you for telling me. I don't want our experiences at the grocery store as a family to be to terrible for you. What can we do differently?" Score one for hubby! Great response!

Whoa! Wait! It doesn't always have to be this way? The beautiful thing about this moment of possibility is that it gives me room to let the past go, find my voice, and gives room also for those closest to me to be different. I haven't stopped seeing their best potential selves, and I'm opening myself up to what they are capable of in their best moments. 

This doesn't mean I'm going to lose it if the grocery trip is the same as it always has been in the past. I'm taking steps to make the experience different, through my voice and action. But I'm also creating a space inside of myself to hold possibility. And a space inside of myself that will be alright if they don't change. That part is vital as well. I'm only in charge of myself, but I can help make a difference in our grocery trips. If I'm willing to realize my assumptions, speak up, take kind action, and stay centered inside of myself.

**Since writing this post I have continued practicing this idea. Staying open to new possibility. It's been a beautiful process. Hard sometimes for sure. And I've definitely been disappointed at times with myself and the behaviors of those I was hoping for a new experience with. But I'm thankful for it and it's been worth it.

Dreams Group

Wounded Heart Growth Group - September 2016

 SMALL GROUP FOR HEALING

Journey toward freedom with other survivors of sexual abuse

What:   

12-week growth group for individuals who have experienced sexual abuse. A next step for those already working with a therapist and who are looking to benefit from a group experience with others who have known abuse. The group will be limited to 5-8 participants due to the sensitive nature of the group.

When:  

12 weekly meetings from mid-September to mid-December. Day of the week yet to be determined.

Where: 

Location yet to be determined based on final group size.

Who:     

Men or women, currently in their own individual therapy, or who have previously done personal work in this area for themselves.

Cost:      

Participants need to pay for class materials as well as a $75 class participation fee.

Materials: 

Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse book and workbook, by Dan Allender. Additionally, other materials will be used within class time but require no additional purchase.

Overview of the Wounded Heart Material:

From the workbook back cover: “Thousands of woman and men have experienced life-reviving healing from Dr. Dan Allender’s book The Wounded Heart. This companion workbook will help you work through the complex issues of sexual abuse in a concrete way. Designed to be used on your own or in a group, the workbook will lead you step-by-step through the process of change: facing the truth about past and present experiences and feelings; wrestling with God, other people, and yourself; and understanding the goals and fears that have determined how you relate to others. It also includes specific sections for men, ideas for discussion-group facilitators, and reflective quotations from fellow strugglers with sexual abuse.

With professional skill and spiritual insight, Dr. Dan B. Allender shows that there is hope and healing when survivors call on the Great Physician for relief from their suffering.”

Registration is open from August 1st to September 5th. For any questions contact Tia Harms at tiaharms@hotmail.com, or by phone at 503-559-2233.

Longing for Beauty

Disclaimer: The following entry contains thoughts and material related to Christianity. While I do have a personal belief in Jesus Christ, I work with folks who believe all sorts of things and I strive to respect those differing beliefs in my work with them. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me.

"We do not want to merely “see” beauty—though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words—to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it." C.S. Lewis

"Most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world. There are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise." C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis notes that we must know our hearts to know we desire something that is out of this world—if they had really learned to look into their own hearts. When we do not know our hearts, when we do not listen to our hearts song to its end, we stop short of hearing the name of that which our heart truly wants. We feel its response to beauty on this earth and think it is the earthly thing it desires.

We long to be joined with the beauty we see here on this earth, but it is only a reflection of something else which we long for that much more desperately. As 1 Corinthians 13:12 reminds us, "For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

Think of the beautiful things which call to you: Stunning views from a mountain top, a well-written business plan that touts power and transformation for the company, delicious food, a beautiful woman, a handsome man. These are just a few of the many things that seduce us with their beauty.

When we think it is those things that our hearts desire we pursue the things themselves, when what we are seeing is only a reflection of actual Beauty. Food, no matter how much or how delectable, never satisfies fully. It may for a moment, but we will be hungry again in time. There are always new mountaintops to climb, but when we worship the mountain itself we have forgotten that God created the mountain to tell you something about God's character so that you can know God more fully.

When you feel the pull toward beauty, listen longer. When you are drawn toward something, when you long to be united with another, whatever beauty it may be, listen for the end of the song. That man or woman in your life may be attractive, safe, attentive, but aren't those qualities of God? Accomplishing the next business goal promises more prestige, but is it possible that connecting to the awesome power of God would be more fulfilling? Your heart's longing might not be so easy to decipher, but that is part of the journey—discovering what lies beneath your initial desire as you learn more about your heart and more about God.

I am not suggesting that you push away all earthly beauty because it is not ultimately what you desire. God has given us these gifts for a reason. However, do not get distracted by the reflection, but instead, always remember that it is only an inkling of what we will one day experience. Until that day we will always be wanting, always slightly unsatisfied, hungering for more. And that is just as God wants it, not out of malice, but out of preparation. He hopes we will wait expectantly for the fulfillment that is promised. Hoping it will keep us vigilant, eager for, and ever pursuing our Final Union.

Growing My Capacity

I spoke with a dear friend the other day about ways that each of us choose, at different times, to distract ourselves from the reality of life. Our conversation has started me seriously considering the ways in which I am present in my life.

I think it is part of human nature to distract oneself from certain situations. Consider other ways this phenomena has been described: to numb, dissociate, check out or zone out, even positive terms like compartmentalize or detach oneself. In many ways it is actually a blessing, a defense against things I could not survive experiencing. Consider the use of dissociation when abuse is experienced or a traumatic event occurs. However, there are other times when we numb as a way to escape more minor things in our lives. At the dinner table with extended family for a holiday event, our uncle is rambling on about something we care nothing about, and we decide we'll plan our weekend while we pretend to listen. It may be conscious and intentional, or it may be unintentional and something of which we are completely unaware.

Sometimes checking out is a way to cope with mild anxiety, difficult people in our lives, or boring tasks. Other times we choose to numb out because we do not want to feel certain emotions. Some of us simply don't want to feel anything intensely, regardless of whether the feeling is positive or negative. To this I say, expand yourself! Slowly and surely, build your capacity for emotional response to the relationships and experiences in your life. I say this with kindness and encouragement. I too am growing my capacity for feeling all of what my life stirs up inside of me.

Listening for the message in each moment is another reason to increase my capacity to be fully present. Dan Allender writes in his book The Healing Path, "We take in or we turn away. We hear the knock, or we ignore the noise and turn our attention more deliberately to other stimuli." I want to hear that knock and listen attentively to God, a close friend, or even my own heart in those moments.

Being more present means experiencing more of everything. Therefore, I anticipate needing more faith and hope for what lies ahead. If I am to walk through interactions that provoke anxiety, I need to have faith that I can handle it well. If I am going to engage my uncle at the dinner table I want to hope that the conversation will not end completely devoid of meaning for either one of us. As I move through a task that does not require my full attention, I want to have gratitude for what the tedious task means for my life as a larger whole. Grieving the loss of a friend to cancer, I will have faith that the sorrow will not consume me, but will be accompanied by a breadth of emotion that honors our friendship. These are only a few of the ways in which I intend to strive for more presence in my life. Increasing my capacity for the entire spectrum of human emotion available to me.

Disclaimer: Please note, if your checking out is associated to current trauma or ongoing abuse, I am not suggesting here that you become more attune to your experiences. I don't think it wise to disarm you of your defenses while you are still in the fight. Please talk with a professional about what is going on in your life and get the assistance you might need.

Get Physical!

Maybe it's the new year, and all the hubbub of workout resolutions, but something has me energized to be physically active! There is something powerful about moving our bodies, and I feel all the more confirmed about that as I listen to my gut and get moving.

Here are a few of my favorite ways to be active:

Taking the boys for a walk in the stroller
Dancing around the house as I clean
Yoga
Weeding and pruning
Swimming
Wii fit games
Running
Taking a dance class
Playing soccer
P90X
Chasing my boys around the house
Exercise DVD
Walking with a friend

Whatever it is that moves you, do it and enjoy it! Make your own list of physical activities and begin trying them out. You will see the benefits in all areas of your life. Research has shown the positive results of being physically active. Whether for you it's depression, fatigue, anxiety, or any other number of mental or physical challenges, you can benefit from physical activity that is geared toward your passion and level of ability.

Listen to your body. What is it asking you to do, how is it asking you to move that will honor the space you're in right now? Try listening to your desire to move and be surprised by what happens!

Coming Alive

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

-Howard Thurman

focus quote - as with all focus quotes, feel free to read the above statement and let it speak what it will to you. Read no further if the quote alone stimulates enough thought. If you want more inspiration for journaling or conversations with others, then read on. Most of all, enjoy!

Most of us have, at some point in our lives, encountered those people who are alive. I mean truly alive! They exude passion, drive, enthusiasm, and direction. They have a sense of meaning in their lives, they know they are doing what they were made to do, and they have a sense of satisfaction about themselves. The Howard Thurman quote above seems so insightful because it reminds us not to try making ourselves into something we are not. The world doesn't need you to be anyone other than who you were made to be.


Instead, so often we try to transform ourselves into what we think others want or who we think they will accept or love. Before you know it you have become something artificial, superficial, inauthentic. Your true self has been hidden under the facade that you have erected to win the favor of those around you.


When I talk with people who have tried to turn themselves into what they think others want, a sad thing is often true for them: They don't like who they are, they may not like those around them, and their life is no fun at all. They are surely not bursting at the seams because they are so full of life. Rather they seem down, hollow, angry, depressed, fearful.


About what subjects do you get totally jazzed and energized? What brings you joy? What gifts do you have that you jump at the chance to use? What job or project would you volunteer to do if you had the time and money to do it? The answers to these questions help you know what makes you come alive. If you can't come up with answers to any of these questions, you may want to ask those close to you when they have seen you most passionate about something.


As you rediscover who you are and what makes you come alive, don't be surprised if more people are drawn to you, ask you what has changed about you, or notice your spirits are a bit higher than they have been in the past. It is so enjoyable being around someone like that. Someone who knows themselves, their gifts, and what they have to offer this world. Enjoy the process of coming alive!

Growth Workshop - September 2011 through February 2012

To Print a flyer click here.

“God invites you to coauthor your future. It starts with reading your past.”

This workshop will take 10 women on a journey into story. Moving through the To Be Told book and workbook, the group will seek to better understand the hope and heartache in their lives. Viewing God as the author of our stories, we will begin learning about the plotlines and themes he has been writing in our lives for years, as well as looking into our future toward the redemption and glory planned for us long ago. We will embark on an adventure of knowing God more fully and taking up our pens with him as we coauthor our lives for our good and his glory.

 To Be Told (Book and Workbook)

Publisher House: WaterBrook Press

Author: Dan B. Allender

Publish Date: 2006

Facilitator(s): Tia Harms (and possibly a co-facilitator)

Location: Trinity Covenant Church, Salem, OR

Day/Time: Thursdays from 6:30 – 8:30 pm

Dates: September 8^th, 2011 – February 9^th, 2012

Duration: 15-20 weeks depending of the pace of the group

Fee: $50/Participant (plus purchase price of materials)

Note: This particular workshop is for women only.

Participants will be expected to spend time writing each week outside of group time, coming prepared for each group with a story to share and hearts to listen to other members’ writing as well. Throughout the duration of the group, members will develop the ability to read and study their past, share it with others, and discover how to unite with God to coauthor their future.

If Interested…

Contact: Tia Harms

Phone: 503.559.2233

email: tiaharms@hotmail.com

Space is limited to 10 participants on a first come, first serve basis. Please call or email Tia prior to August 25^th to reserve your space in the workshop. Feel free to contact her if you have any questions

Reminders About Self-Care

I have two young boys. They are three and one, and they challenge and bless me daily! I recently read in a children's magazine regarding three-year-olds, that they are becoming increasingly able to meet their own physical needs. The article spoke of ways that children who are three can do self-care! What an amazing thing to learn self-care at such a young age, I thought to myself. How useful that would have been had I learned self-care at the age of three! (Of course, as an adult, I'm thinking to myself of self-care options like: seeking counseling, having good boundaries, avoidance of negative coping habits, etc.)

It can be easy to forget that even the smallest things we do in our lives can exhibit self-care. Specifically, for a three-year-old, they are learning how to dress and undress themselves, feed themselves, take care of their own bathroom needs. These are the basics, but also the essentials, for children this age. And even for adults these details, which we tend to take for granted, can be momentous for self-care. Washing our hair, a morning shave, a nutritious breakfast. Picking up dirty laundry or cleaning out the car can make a huge difference in our lives. There may be times when you are aware of the huge roadblocks that stand between you and living the life you want to live: debt, anger, pornography, a lack of friendships, unemployment. But please hear me when I encourage you to do small things each day to care for yourself.

In this moment what can you do? You can breath and do the small things that are right in front of you. Praise yourself and recognize the positives. You may notice the negatives as well, but have compassion, encourage yourself without the criticism. Comb your hair, brush your teeth, choose to eat well today, take a walk, wear a clean shirt. Yes, the elephant in the room does need attention. And no, teeth brushing won't solve your addiction. But taking a stance in favor of self-care, even if it begins with the small things, cannot help but impact the large things as well. If you care enough for yourself to tend to the details, you will change your entire way of being in the world. When it comes time to finally hold the line with that co-worker who always interrupts you, you will be ready because you know you are worth it. And you will be ready because you have the energy to engage him this time.

Good self-care gives life. You may question that idea thinking, "But mowing the lawn and grocery shopping are not fun or energizing whatsoever!" But consider the amount of stress you feel when the lawn is over grown and you have no food in the house. The loss of money or home equity if you let the lawn go too long. The extra expense and the health problems that result from eating out too frequently. Now are you beginning to see the cost and the life drain that it is to disregard this type of self-care?

Instead, don't tackle too much at one time. Do today what you can, however small that may be. Watch it grow for you in time. Do not underestimate the power of self-care on such a basic level as diet, clothing, hygiene, etc. It will impact all that you do in other areas of your life.

I and Thou

"Because you're not what I would have you be, I blind myself to who, in truth, you are."

- Madeleine L'Engle

focus quote - as with all focus quotes, feel free to read the above quote and let it speak what it will to you. For more journal and conversation fodder, read on.

Martin Buber wrote of two contrasting kinds of relationship: the I/It relationship in which we view others as an object to be used or experienced; and the I/Thou relationship in which we experience each other in a relationship with no bounds. "No bounds" sounds both freeing and terrifying to me. On one hand, it opens up possibility for authenticity. On the other hand, one who is mysterious and cannot be defined seems dangerous.

The I/Thou position can slip away so easily and instantaneously. For example, when meeting someone for the first time have you ever thought, "They remind me of so and so"? In that brief moment of introduction you have connected them with someone who they are not. They have become the It. You have refused to let them remain undefined, therefore hindering your ability to experience them purely as they are.

Is it possible to remain fully open as you interact with someone? It seems like such a tall order. But one that has rewards to be sure. Think for a moment about Christ in our lives. Does he act as we expect him to act? In my experience, rarely. Therefore, if I pigeonhole Jesus into a certain type of behavior I will most certainly miss all that he is offering me in my life and relationship with him. On the other hand, if I let him be who he is, undefined while I make no predictions about his behavior or character, I may have the privilege of experiencing Jesus. Just Jesus and nothing else. No other pieces added or taken away from him. Could there be anything more life changing?

*

Is Christ who or what I would have him be? No, and neither are the other people I encounter daily. But I should be thankful they are not. If all was as I wanted it to be, I would remain the same and suffer because of it. May I continue to struggle with letting others be not as I would have them be, remembering the I/Thou position. Experiencing each moment for what it is, nothing more, nothing less.

A Dance with Grief

Denial...Anger...Bargaining...Depression...Acceptance.

Oh, is that it? I will simply travel this road called 'The Stages of Grief' and find myself whole on the other side, at peace with the loss I have experienced. My personal experience with grief has never been so cut and dried. It looks a bit more like: denial, anger, depression, tears, more tears, tears over seemingly unrelated events, again with the anger, a bit of isolation, and then maybe some numbness to finish off the process. Maybe you can relate to this, maybe yours looks much different. One thing I have seen very vividly in the last month is how differently each person processes an experience of loss.

In my church family, in my marriage, and my extended family as well right now, there is grief that abounds. We are in the middle of the holiday season as I compose this entry, a time to be full of cheer, thanksgiving, awe and wonder. I am full enough to offer those things as well, but there is a deep part of me that is lost in sadness and grief at this time as well.

I read the post I published just prior to this one, it speaks of being surrounded by beauty, and thought to myself, "Wow, a lot can change in the time it takes leaves to fall in the Willamette Valley." In actuality however, not that much is different. But as with any grief process, emotions ebb and flow. This month the depression is more prevalent than the acceptance. Our pastor is leaving, and my father-in-law is fighting a battle with renal cell cancer. My dad is hopeful, as am I, but I have been shaken to my core nonetheless. While our pastor's leaving is safely in the palm of God's hand, and I am eager to see what He has in store for our church in this next chapter, I am also grieving much in this time.

How do you do grief 'well'? What does that mean or tangibly look like? I can't say that I fully know. Unfortunately, I know more about what it looks like to do it poorly. I have accomplished that for years. Among the highlights are the time I hid in the basement, snuck out quietly, and yet another time I busied myself to the point of exhaustion. It doesn't come naturally for me to move in and out of each phase of grieving. Even more difficult is for me to honor the emotions that come up again when I thought I had finished feeling that way about the loss. Anger? Again? I try to convince myself there is no need to be angry, but that seems only to make it worse. The same is true for my tears. I feel as if I am floating on a river without paddle or oar to guide my small vessel. What I hope for myself is that, with compassion as my companion, I would let the current of this grief process take over, without fear of the path that lies ahead. My fighting it is only hindering the process. I have a sense that healing will come as I embrace the natural, if unpredictable, path of grief. Let my boat drift this meandering river, finding healing in each whirlpool of denial, snag of anger, and flow of tears, in which I currently find myself.

Beauty

Sometimes it is difficult to see the beauty through the many things in this world that fall short. Other times the beauty refuses to be overshadowed. It bursts forth and demands to be marveled at and enjoyed.

I have been blessed to see beauty in a handful of places these last few weeks. My newborn son's grins and smiles, butterflies floating around the flowers in the backyard, the warmth of the summer sun, the hospitality of a friend that went above and beyond what was expected. Each one of these beauties evokes something unique in me, but all of them fill me up with more life and the strength to live each day.

When I stop to think of the places I have seen beauty recently I make a conscious effort to focus on the things that bring me joy. Since it's an enjoyable thing to do, one would think I would do it more often. But, it's hard for me to slow down sometimes, or to stop focusing on things that need problem solving. I think I resist slowing because it takes faith on my part. If I stop, pause, and am still, I have to have faith that life will wait. My problems won't overtake me, I won't fail, I won't be seen as lazy or unproductive, and I won't miss any once-in-a-lifetime opportunities.

In fact, the complete opposite is probably true. I will be filled up, experience rest, be able to listen that much more fully to what God has in store for me. I will have more hope for things in this life, more to give others, and a beauty in myself that will exude out to be seen by others that could call them to be more as well.

I hope to be still more often. To search for the joy and the beauty that is waiting to be realized. To have the faith and security to let the rest of the to-do list wait. To practice this more and more so that it comes naturally to me.

And I hope that for you as well.

Wounds

Do you, or those you care about, do things to harm themselves? Clark and Henslin wrote a book about cutting, from which I have only read excerpts. It seems a very insightful read. It is titled Inside a Cutter's Mind: Understanding and Helping Those Who Self-Injure. In it they write:

We have all experienced feelings that threaten to overwhelm us. This is true: The self injurer you love is more like you than you may imagine. You both fear. You both have felt helpless. You both have found some way to face life. All of us release tension in some way. We laugh. We cry. We may pound the pavement on a hard-core run. We may scream or lash out at others. Some people wound themselves. And whether a person heads to the gym or the casino; seeks relief in food, drug, or drink; works overtime; shops the time away; or cuts his or her own skin; any method of dealing with pain can become dangerously harmful....Every one of us has been and is continually tempted to protect the self, escape pain, and numb ourselves to that which could destroy us.

They share so many other insightful views into understanding why people cut as well as how and why all of us self-harm. These authors remind us that cutting is: 1) not a failed suicide attempt, 2) not only a girl's issue, 3) it is not merely a problem for teens, and 4) that pain is not the point of self-injury. How helpful to have so many of these myths debunked!

It is also a powerful read for those who might not realize how common self-harm really is. Whether it is cutting, burning, pricking, hitting, even tattooing or peircing, or any other form of self-injury, you are not alone in what you feel and experience. Knowing that you are not the only one who has every felt the way you do can sometimes take the isolation out the pain you feel. You still ache, and you may still feel ugly and unlovable, but at least you know others have been there too. No, you're not going crazy. You're not experiencing something so awful and atrocious that no one has ever been as far gone as you are. Instead, they have and are battling with the same things you are. They're fighting the good fight and need your companionship on the journey. It is hard, maybe impossible, to go it alone...so reach out and take the hand that is being offered. It's time to realize others out there are speaking the same words you are in the dark spaces.

If you or someone you love or care about wrestles with self-injury, and it would be helpful to speak with someone, then please pick up the phone and call someone for support. My contact information is available on this blog, and there are many others out there who can be of some support. Not everyone is educated in the area of self-harm, so be sure you ask specific questions and find someone who is able to connect with you in personal caring way.

Love Lost

"Love can sometimes be like Magic

But Magic can sometimes...
just be Illusion"

-Javan

focus quote - as with all focus quotes, feel free to read the above statement and let it speak what it will to you. Read no further if the quote alone fills you up and stimulates thought. If you want more food for journaling, pondering, or conversation with me or others, read on. Most of all, enjoy!

My heart is broken. I hurt so badly. I want my love back in my arms, rich, full, enveloping. Will this pain ever subside? I had no idea this was coming. I'm still in shock. Did I somehow miss all the signs? Is there something I could have done to prevent them from leaving? Oh, I just don't know what I'm going to do. How could they leave me? I feel betrayed, tricked, I'm a fool for trusting in love, believing this was real. But it lasted for so long. Was it all a lie? Will I ever know? How can I find out the truth of their heart? How can I win them back? But...do I even want them back? Will they only hurt me again? I vow to never be hurt like this again. I promise to never open my heart to another. I am better off without any of that risk or vulnerability. I am better off without it and I can pour myself into so many other great things. That is the last time I will allow love into my life. From this point forward I will be strong and needy of no one.

If you have ever experienced heartache, you have no doubt ushered a statement or two from the above paragraph. Maybe you have said other things in response to the immense pain of losing the love of your life. Maybe it was due to death, divorce, affair, secrecy, or some other tragedy that devastated your love relationship. But the end result was the same: pain, heart break, and a large range of other emotions as well. Are you healing? Have you healed completely, or is that even possible? Maybe you haven't even begun to look at the impact this lost love has had on you, and you think now might be the time. I have known significant losses of this kind, and while I rest assured that my heart has healed, the loss is still a part of my past. I will always remember what those relationships meant to me and how my heart broke when the love was gone. It makes me who I am today, and for that I am grateful, I would not change a thing. It was a long hard journey out of the pain; some days were good, others bad. But I am able to love well today out of the story of what I have known. If this is a victory that you also want to claim for your life, you can do it. It will take courage, there will be pain, you may feel uncertain at times. Nonetheless, you were made to love. Don't lose sight of that. Without love there is little, if anything, that is worth your energy in this life.

Don't let your worries get the best of you...

There are so many things that can cause a person to worry. Several that I have heard lately from friends include: money being tight, illness, stress at work or loss of a job, saying the wrong thing in conversation, putting on a few extra pounds, and making difficult life decisions. Whatever it might be that is currently causing you anxiety, there are numerous things that can help manage and even eliminate the worry you feel.

Among the myriad options out there are the following: medication, seeing a counselor, getting a massage, meditation, talking to a friend, acupuncture, hypnosis, diet and exercise, and prayer. Each person out there is different and must determine for themselves what will and will not help them manage worry in their lives. The important thing to remember is that there are options out there suited to each person uniquely. Living with intense anxiety for days, months, or even years is not necessary and can be dangerous to your psychological, emotional and even physical health. Ask questions, survey your options, and pursue relief from the worries that plague you. You will reap benefits in all areas of your life from doing so.

Longing For Home...

"Life's a voyage that's homeward bound" - Herman Melville

focus quote - as with all focus quotes, feel free to read the above quote and let it speak what it will to you. Read no further if the quote alone fills you up and stimulates thought. If you want more food for journaling, pondering, or conversation with me or others, read on. Most of all, enjoy!

Melville may be onto something when he reminds us that each moment in life is one that brings us closer to home. As we move through life we are aging, we are inevitably drawing nearer to the end of our life here on earth, nearer to death. But, there also seems to be a comfort in the realization that I am closer, daily, to going home. Depending on your faith you may have a different vantage point than I, but many spiritual perspectives hold the hope of heaven, an afterlife, or something yet to come. Regardless of your religious values, there is something in all of us that longs for home, an eternal home, not merely the one where we hang our hat, find our family, or remember from childhood photographs. I can only speak for myself, but part of me has always known I'm not fully home here, in this flesh, on this earth. Something always feels just slightly out of place or not quite satisfied. That is no insult to my amazing family, friends that are a great source of joy and encouragement, and work and hobbies that I love immensely. In this case, for me, it is not the sign of something gone awry, a hurt I am harboring, or an area that needs growth. It is simply the longing for home that God has woven into my being so that I am always leaning more toward him, toward my true home.

If you have sensed your longing for home and wondered if others feel it too, be confirmed, you are not alone. Songs have been written, close friends have confided in one another, and books have discussed the craving to be home and the long journey it can be to get there. Rest assured, you are on this journey with many others. If you so dare, speak up about your desire for home and I wouldn't be surprised if others echo your sentiments. I know I would. What a good, but sometimes stretching, want it is to be home.